Facilitating Forgiveness

Feeling hurt, let down, betrayed, disappointed, or wronged by another human being is a universal experience. In the face of such injury, negative feelings (e.g., anger, resentment, disappointment) are common. Motivation to avoid the source of the harm, or even a desire to retaliate or seek revenge, is also typical. Indeed, revenge occurs across species (Aureli, Cozzolino, Cordischi, & Scucchi, 1992), and its corrosive effects are undeniable. Retaliatory impulses may motivate the victim to reciprocate the transgression in kind, but reciprocated harm is usually perceived to be greater than the original offense by the transgressor, who, in turn, may retaliate to even the score. Given such escalating cycles of vengeance, it is not surprising that revenge is implicated in many of our most ignominious acts as a species, including homicide, suicide, terrorism, and genocide (McCullough, Kurzban & Tabak, 2010). Limited data exist on how people manage to inhibit the tendency to respond negatively to a partner’s bad behavior and respond constructively instead, a process called accommodation. Some initial data suggest that such responses are related to relationship commitment, greater interdependence between persons, and having plentiful time, rather than a limited time, to respond (e.g., Yovetich & Rusbult, 1994). Although important, such findings provide only a partial understanding of how relationships are maintained in the face of partner transgressions. Consider the case of an extramarital affair where the perceived reason for the affair is the adulterous spouse’s selfish focus on his or her own immediate wishes. Assuming equal levels of commitment, what happens in one marriage that allows the betrayed partner to overcome his or her anger and resentment and behave in a conciliatory manner toward the spouse whereas in another marriage the relationship remains tense for years? As they remain constant in this example neither the major relationship macro-motive (commitment) nor the proximal determinant (reasons for the event) identified in research on accommodation can help in providing an answer. This example highlights the need for a new category of relationship process that may follow a transgression and the initial hurt engendered by it but that may also influence the aftermath of the event. One such process is forgiveness, a construct that has engaged the attention of social scientists 1 and that is an important human strength with the potential to contribute to the good life and, for some, the meaningful life.